man, it’s been a long old time since i wrote anything of any length on here. if any of you have missed that, i apologize! it’s been quite a year. two years. three years. five years… life. anyways, i’m here now.
and the reason i’m writing this is predominantly selfish. i’d just like to get that out on the table now. i’m writing so that i can help me and you can help me and we can help us and other combinations like that.
here is the deal:
i’m having some health… bothers. troubles. whatever. nothing big. don’t worry, if you’re thinking of worrying, totally not necessary. mainly, i just have mysterious stomach ailments that are caused by we-know-not-what, but nothing serious. i just feel kind of yuck. most of the time. like, i’ve eaten a whole stick of butter or like i ate too many squids in croatia (is that the correct plural? one squid, two squids? one squid, two squid? one squid, two squid, three squad?)- whatever, i ate roughly a million squid while i was there (filming dig) because i don’t eat chicken/meat and it was either squid or seabass basically. so i ate squid after squid after squid and it’s like their suckers are punishing me and sticking everything to my insides. little jerks. but i ate them, so really i guess i only have myself to blame.
a good part of it is emotional/psychological- the gut is our center, internal home of intuition, the dumping ground of stress, and the place where we stick fears when we don’t want to talk to them. hey, fear, look, i see you but it’s not the time, and it’s never going to be the time so i’m basically going to eat you (and wash you down with multiple chocolate chip cookies) and then we can deal with this later (or never, probably never if that’s ok with you, yeah it’s ok with me too, cool).
i’m working on that side of things pretty intensely. lots of clearing out all kinds of old, unnecessary crap that has been clogging up the deepest parts of my soul for… essentially… ever… lots of internal door opening and confronting the monsters under the beds etc… and it’s been pretty powerful. like, life-changing. like, what took me so long powerful. and hard. so hard. but completely deeply and utterly worth it.
every door i open inside seems to open a new and extraordinary one in the outside world. now look, i’m not doing it for that (because that sort of defeats the purpose, like trying to bribe fate or something, as if fate isn’t a million times smarter than we are), but it’s certainly powerful encouragement.
but that’s a different story. maybe it will be part of this story at some point but not this chapter… not yet.
what i do want to talk about, right this moment, is that i’m working on going vegan and i want to hold myself accountable for this decision by stating it to you. so now you know.
i’ve been pretty darn good with it the last two weeks, and it has been really great. i’ve been in the studio, and i can feel my voice celebrate the absence of dairy in a significant way. my body has felt lighter, freer, and more in line with itself and nature than it has in a long time. except this past week was a little bit of a whirlwind (a super positive one but one that made sleep a little more scarce than usual) and so i got lazy and just ate a bunch of nuts and oatcakes and falafel and hummus (and red wine) instead of vegetables. body was like, hey now. nope.
so anyway, today i woke up panicking that maybe i’ve got it all wrong and maybe i’ve made a terrible mistake and oh my god have i eaten enough protein and i handled this panic well by eating four home-baked cookies made by the friend i’m staying with in london (two as breakfast-yep) and then a lamb meatball the size of a softball. and now i feel gross.
so i’m going to try two things. i’m going to try a gentle 24 hour fast to let my digestive system chill out, drinking lots of water and tea and supplementing with some powdered greens etc. and then i’m going to channel my inner yak/beaver/diplodocus and dive into the vast, gentle but slightly demanding world of veganism.
if you have tips, thoughts, your own stories, etc. please share. i’d love to hear from you.
that’s it for now.
lots of love.