it’s very weird for me to write yet another personal post in one night, as I have quite a bit of social media fear. but whatever, I just want to say the last post made me really aware of how much i hate being vulnerable. I honestly hate it so much, I feel totally skinless sometimes and it is so uncomfortable and all i want to do is hide. throw my phone into the toilet. crawl under the bed. yet i know baring one’s soul is the only way to truly connect with another human being or create any half-decent art. both of which are deeply important to me. so annoyingly, I’m realizing more and more that I have to suck it up and be vulnerable and deal with the aftermath with as much awareness and kindness as i can scrape together in the moment. Because I’m really sick of hiding when I share a piece of myself that’s maybe a little bit dorky, maybe not entirely thought-out… a little wonky.
In the spirit of that, I just wanted to share that I just noticed my urge to take down that springtime post, as i felt the exposure of it so sharply it felt like smacked me in the face. And also just a single very mildly negative comment pretty much toppled all my good feelings over like a bad move in jenga.. god, that game stresses me out. and so i say to myself, really? Are you that sensitive, ali? And yes, really, is the answer. Just noticing the fragility and the humanness in this, and how much I want to fight it, bite it, run from it. And because I’m too tired to fight, bite or run, all I can do is smile at how awkward being human is sometimes. It’s the worst and also I love it. Ok bye.